This weekend I was having a conversation about Chris Evans.
A reader interjects: “Oh really, Mathilda, so what you are saying is, you were awake this weekend.”
That’s for later, rude reader, with some kind of internet controlling superpower, I have a point to make. You see, in this conversation, I was busily explaining how, weekend away or no, I would obvious still need to spend approx. 17 hours per day on tumblr scrolling for pictures of Chris Evans’s face. And by face, I obviously don’t mean face.
But during this conversation, I noticed some of my company was perplexed by this need, which perplexed me, as this need: v understandable. But then, oh readers, I realised the problem. I realised I was mired in something I had not been mired in for a long time: Chris Evans confusion.
Then yesterday, Marvel did a thing and stuff leaked all over tumblr including a scene from Avengers: Age of Ultron where Chris Evans as Steve Rogers is chopping wood* while wearing ludicrously badly fitting t shirt.
Quick aside, but, of course, Chris Evans has never worn a shirt that fits him in his entire tenure as Captain America. I assume this is because wardrobe, quite rightly, do not think he should be wearing any shirts ever.
Obviously wardrobe have an agenda and are on the side of right thinking people everywhere. This is why no one begrudges them making Steve Rogers a brand new costume approx. five times per movie.
“Come on, Chris, we need to measure you for a new costume.”
“Seriously, I’ve had five this week. And how come Robert Downey Jnr doesn’t need this many outfits?”
“He’s CGI, Chris. Don’t overthink things, it’s worse for you than carbs. Now take those trousers off. While I warm up this tape measure.”
“I’m not sure that is a tape measure.”
Probably what happened. I don’t know. I don’t work there. I couldn’t design CLOTHES for Chris Evans – it is against my religion.
Anyway, Chris Evans was all over tumblr and thus twitter and Sophia McDougal tweeted this, and I was like, woah, 2 mentions of the Chris Evans confusion. It’s a sign. I should blog.
So here’s the thing. Obviously, now in these modern times, we finally, FINALLY, have the Chris Evans we deserve. And what a fight it’s been. Remember when I threw myself under that horse for this? I know, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. And it was all worth it, totes worth it.
We’re all happy with the upgrading of the Chris Evans – BUT WHAT IF THAT IS JUST THE FIRST WAVE?
What if the change from THAT Chris Evans to THIS Chris Evans is just the beginning? What if he’s the very, very, VERY successful prototype?
What if every basically alright, but non-super-hot-like-women-have-to-be, male celeb is going to be replaced by a man so ludicrously good looking wardrobe departments refuse to supply him with shirts that fit his criminal-to-cover-up torso?
What if the trajectory from THAT Chris Evans to THIS Chris Evans is about to replicated by all men in the public eye?
I have dreamed a dream, readers, and I demand it comes true. A dream that all celebrity men are replaced by another man with the same name as him and who is an attractiveness differential from him in the direction of more attractive, equivalent to Chris Evans -> Chris Evans.
I will, if necessary, build this brave new world with my own bear hands. (Obviously, that’s a mistake. I meant bare hands.
Or did I?)
*Yeah chopping wood. I’m not going to say Marvel movies do good feminism or anything, because they fuck that up all over the place, but they do the giving ladies stuff to look at job pretty well. (Not that that’s the most important part of feminism, or anything. Probably.) Men chopping wood being roughly the equivalent of women eating bananas. (Or whatever men like, I don’t really care.)