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It’s September. Time to do some men’s fashion. I know, I’m always thinking of you, chipmunk.

Are you a man? Hello. Dressed? Good. Sitting up straight? Well done. Shoulder and waist differential approximating to the golden ratio?

Okay then, time to level up.

Accessories. Or, things you wear that are not clothes. Things you dangle off yourself, you strangely attractive Christmas tree, you. (Don’t use tinsel, you can sparkle if you want to, but it always looks cheap.)

Now, here’s what you need to do..

Hats

As Sylvia Plath once said, all women love a man wearing a hat that makes him look like a sexy Nazi. (I would ask you here to remember to not actually BE a Nazi, but that would involve me caring about your inner life, and I find that distracting from what’s really important. However if you suspect your shiny peaked cap is turning you evil do take it off. Sometimes it’s just not worth it.)

The main rule about hats, tho, and indeed about all male accessories, is this: ask yourself, would a 6 year old wear this? If the answer is yes, take it off. Wear the hat a grown up would wear and you’ll be fine. Unless you have a weird head.

Tl;dr Top = yes, bobble = no.

(Don’t worry about looking like a PUA this is always avoidable by not being a dick.)

Jewellery

jewelry
This is the way to add sparkly things to yourself, and why would you ever not? You could be David Beckham with his diamond earring. (If you are David Beckham, can I just say, well done.)

Here are some good jewellery things, that suit all men, everywhere.

  • Long chain/pendant things that vanish who-knows-where.
  • Signet rings that make you look a bit like a gangster.
  • Lockets containing a picture of your first true love, who is dead, and that you will not remove until you avenger her.

Watches

But aren’t watches jewellery? Yes, they are. So do watches need their own category after jewellery? Yes. This is why. Watches are especially hot because they draw attention to your hands. Why do you want to draw attention to your hands? Because of sex. Because hands are your main sex thing.

Yes. They are.

And so for god’s sake how lucky are you that you are allowed to show off your main sex thing to everyone all the time, without anyone being weird about it? So put a big sparkly machine right next to it. Why wouldn’t you do this?

Is there a limit to how big your watch can be? No. If you can get Big Ben on there and still function, you should do that. Stat.

Glasses

glasses

There is nothing, NOTHING better on this EARTH than a really, really incredibly handsome man wearing glasses. One of those men with a lot of face angles. One of those men with cheekbones that look like the handles on the trophy that is his face which is also a trophy he won for having a face like that.

Glasses just make this even better. They’re like underlining, or something.

If you are not really, really incredibly handsome, I probably haven’t noticed if you are wearing glasses or not, sorry. Also can you move out of the way please, four eyes.

Claws

claws

In the words of Katherine Hepburn “Never complain, never explain (about claws)”.

Eyeliner

How sexy this is has become a moot point as it is the law that all men wear eyeliner. Sorry. It just happened. Like now. You’d better put some on. Seriously. I’m not joking. I’m going to call the police.

Shields

shield
Just recently, you know, this seems like such a good look.

Another man

man
Classic. Timeless.

(Bit obvious maybe, but never that let stop you.)

Standard disclaimer

Or, you know wear what you want, but I strongly believe that if men made more of an effort to look attractive the whole world would change forever. But, pshaw, you all look the same in the dark.

(‘The dark’ is the name for the pit under my castle lair where I keep my boyfriends. (I say ‘boyfriends’…, yeah, anyway.))

PREVIOUSLY in male fashion: How to Wear Coats: A Guide for Men.

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