Are a man? Are you a man that goes outside? In the cold? Are you cold in the cold? Put a coat on, you’ll catch your death.
Afore we begin, men and men looker-atters, let’s glimpse this picture of David Gandy in a coat. Just to make it clear what I mean by coat. It’s important to define terms. And I don’t want any later confusion. It’s quite a journey we’re going on here.
Got it? Have a good scroll up and down to be sure.
Coats are expensive, but they last a long time and they get worn a lot. To be properly sexy you should aquire your coat by winning it in a poker hand where you stood to lose everything you owned, removing it mournfully from the back of a justly killed enemy or unjustly killed friend, or been given it by a wizard to help you compete a secret heroic quest. All of these take time to arrange though, so check Oxfam while you’re working on that.
Now for god’s sake put your coat on – I’m not telling you again.
Because I am not even exaggerating slightly when I say that every single man who women fancy right now wears a coat. To choose an obvious example:
And you know the most important thing in this piece of obviously fan-made Sherlolly I found on Tumblr is the coat action.
The collar flip. Collars can do so much of the work. See.
But let’s not rush away from Sherlock too fast, cuz BBC Sherlock’s Sherlock isn’t even the only sexy modern take on Sherlock Holmes to wear a coat in a sexy sex way.
Or you might like this one. Choice is important.
He’s wearing pretty nice stuff under the coat too, huh? I hear you. And I know what you’re thinking. Am I really just talking here about tailoring. Oh, maybe. Like I say, we’ll start from the outside and work in slowly. (And if you can’t do that, you need to learn how.)
And it would be silly to restrict ourselves only to men playing Sherlock Holmes to give examples of how important proper coat wearing is. How about this one?
That’s a very long coat. Should you consider going that long yourself? Yes. Yes, you obviously should. Length of coat matters. And why have less length when you can have more? Why would you even do that?
Width: also important. Should your coat make your shoulders look inhumanly massive? Absolutely.
You don’t even need to see the rest of him to know what good, good work that coat is doing.
And if you’re not a ovary-exploding giant of masculinity like Idris, can the coat still work for you? Yes, if anything it can do all the work. Look at this guy.
Also, here you see the extraordinary benefits of leaving the coat unbuttoned and striding around with a moody look on your face. The classics are classic for a reason.
And Mr Whedon, among his many aspects of genius, understand coats. Look at the opening titles of Angel, which basically go COAT, COAT, COAT, COAT, COAT, Charisma Carpenter, COAT, COAT, COAT, FUCKING COAT.
And if that advert for wearing coats hasn’t sold you, consider this: coats can even take the place of being able to do actual acting.
If you are a man, get a coat. It’s cold out there and that anorak does you no favours.
Edited to add: This was pointed out to me on Facebook. It’s a pretty good point.
ANOTHER EDIT OF VITAL IMPORTANCE.
My very youngest sister pointed this one out to me on twitter. What a heart-breaking omission. But worth the wait. Coats, essential, even in space.
MORE MALE FASHION: How to Accessories – a Guide for Men