It is a truth universally acknowledged that Love Actually is the worst film ever made. Perhaps even the worst thing that has ever happened. You can try and name a worse film, but then, if you take a horrible moment to remember that drawn-out scene where Rowan Atkinson wraps a present, I’m sure you’ll agree, nothing, nothing that could be conceived of by the human mind, could be worse than that.
No, sorry not even that.
Radio waves travelling out into the cosmos carry the imprint of everything human beings have ever broadcast. Love Actually is so terrible is pretty much guarantees that there is no alien life anywhere in the universe, because if it had encountered the electromagnetic oscillations that make up Love Actually, they would have nuked us back to the Big Bang without a second thought.
If you, by some amazing chance, are lucky enough to have never seen Love Actually or have arranged to have it wiped from your mind by futuristic science, this article does a good job of outlining the basic the horror, the horror, of it. It doesn’t go far enough though, because it barely touches on the outrageous, gut wrenching, esophageal sphincter troubling sexism of Love Actually, which is at a shitness level more often found in medieval Europe. Yes, it mentions the ludicrous parade of men getting it together with younger women who are often their employees, and that 3 (mostly) middle aged male characters finish the film with their plotlines resolved by a quick meet cute with a supermodel and, points out the number of relationships that are based on physical attraction, but it should be noted that every time the lust object is female, the ending is happy, but in the ONE story where a woman lusts after a man she is guilted and punished relentlessly by the narrative, because, ugh whatta slut.
But, I know, sexist film is sexist, pass the salt, but wait: I have a point here. My point (it’s coming, really). Here it is. It’s this.
I promise you this. Love Actually could have been the most exciting, thrilling, romantic and radical film ever made with one simple, tiny change. Really. It could have been the most delicious feelgood delight that had ever happened. It could have been your comfort and joy for this and every Christmas to come.
Yep. Just one change.
That change: Flip the genders. All of them. Go on. Do it. Now take a second look. Holy shit.
Gender Flipped Love Actually is the greatest story never told, a radical progressive love story about female desire and true love that will blow your bloody mind: once you think about it, you will know I am right.
– Gender Flipped Love Actually would open with a charming, witty, unmarried female Prime Minister talking about her belief in love. (I know, we’re already in a strange and magical land.) Later she will meet a new servant man. Maybe he’s a butler, maybe he’s some kind of cleaner, or a secretary. It’s not important. He is super, super sexy. Is he wearing the male equivalent of the tight office wear outfit the equivalent character is wearing in the original? Yes he is. Oh, dear god, would you take my ticket money now. That’s not all. Later a sassy, sexy female US president will try and be inappropriate with servant man and Lady PM will chase him off and as a result not invade Iraq. Lady PM and servant man fall in love. He’s a bit younger than her. The entire country is thrilled.
– Meanwhile a dashing lady crime novelist (whose ex-boyfriend was an evil slag) doesn’t bother to back up her work and it ends up falling a pond. Her cleaner, who doesn’t speak English, strips to his pants to retrieve it. Obviously, she marrys him, as he is really very hot.
– In a bittersweet plotline, a sexy voiced lady is the director of something important which is probably Comic Relief. A saucy young office tart boy flirts with her shamelessly and does dirty dancing at the office party. She is confused as she has a nice enough husband at home. But, you know, the guy in the office is persistent and way hotter than her husband, so you can’t blame her for sort of going along with it. He’s baddie tho. Boo. Homewrecker. Fuck that guy forever. No one likes him. You can tell he’s a wrong ‘un from the eyeliner.
– A lady and her daughter are sad because their husband/father is dead. The daughter fancies a boy at school so impresses him by drumming. Then she chases him dynamically through an airport. The mum meets a hot male model and ends up probably, basically glad her husband died, cuz, yay, hot young models are the happiest ending ever.
– A boring man who is over 30 works in the probably Comic Relief place and fancies a hot model-type woman. But with glasses, so she is also smart or sensitive or something. (It doesn’t actually matter, it’s obvious she is totally hot shit.) Sexy glasses lady goes home with boring man at the Xmas party but his mentally ill sister interrupts them. He is rightly horribly guilty the stupid old slag. And the sexy lady can’t really be bothered with this crap, so he has to give up on his idea of a sex life forever and get on with caring for his sister as that is a more rewarding role for a boring over 30 man, anyway.
– A goofy British girl is unlucky in love, because she is a rude idiot. She has heard American men really like British accents so goes to some random place in America and immediately attracts so many hot model type men that, after a short while living with them in some sort of harem set up, comes home and gives a spare one to her best friend, like he’s her property or something.
– The plot about the guy who fancies his best friend’s girlfriend is really weird in the original, and it is still kind of weird here, but it is actually a bit better if it goes: Lady fancies really hot BFF’s hot husband, makes dumb, doomed play for him. Gets over it and meets a male model.
– And, of course, aging lady rock star acts like a tit and tries to get an Xmas number one with some horrible novelty song. In the video her back up band are all male models who could basically be her grandsons, dressed in skimpy santa costumes, who all strip to their underwear behind her while she dances in a suit looking at herself in the mirror. They also so some sort of pole dancing or something. It turns out that the rock star loves her lady manager. (Platonically – this film is still the most heterosexual thing that has ever happened. Sorry. Can’t fix everything.) Later, she ends up with a sexy young male groupie, because obviously.
– Oh, and something about actors who block for porn stars. One of them is a Hobbit. No one cares.
– A weirdly eccentric shop lady spends a long time wrapping a present. (See. Even that becomes bearable.)
THE END. Cue hugging at the airport and God Only Knows What I’d Be Without You?
So, Gender Flipped Love Actually, ladies and gentlemen, (but mainly ladies). Can I get an AMEN? Wow lotsa middle aged women seeing off horrible slaggy boyfriends and falling in insta-lust with sexy young male models. Great movie.
Greatest. Story. Never. Told.
You reading this Santa?
(Don’t panic Santa, I know this film as described would be impossible. And the fact that the actual Love Actually got made and this film could never be made is the strongest evidence yet that we are, and continue to be, living in the darkest timeline.)