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Feminists everywhere, welcome to Halloween. Which I, as a feminist like to call Ms Halloween. Not really. Halloween is already ladies’ day, because Halloween is, of course, traditionally the most feminist of all days that have a name other than the date.

And Halloween is for feminism, because of FUCKING witches, who were the olden days feminists fighting for their rights to not be set on fire for making a cough medicine and getting up to great feminist larks like trolling Macbeth and giving men the pox.

But there seems to be a small image problem that has caused Halloween to be misfiled as a lady-hating holiday. It’s all gone a bit wrong because of the slutty pumpkins. That thing whereby on Halloween all women have to dress as slutty pumpkins for 24 hours because it’s traditional and that’s what has always happened so can never be changed. (Also, why would you want to worry about this, love, when there are people dying in wars?)

It would, of course, be fine if dressing as slutty pumpkin was optional. It’s fine option that should be available everywhere everyday to all of the genders. (Take note genders that do not dress as a slutty pumpkin anything like often enough.)

You can be one all the time if you like. It’s a good hobby, especially if you find pumpkins sexy but don’t want for a full-time relationship with one. Which is understandable as we all know pumpkins are hot (particularly if you put a lit candle in them or make them into soup) but they are needy as boyfriends.

Slutty pumpkins = actually fine so long as it’s optional and an option for anyone who wants it.

So let’s embrace Halloween, slutty gourds and all, and remember the true meaning of Halloween: Feminism.

Here are my some tips for a feminist Halloween.

1. Wear What You Want
Essential to a feminist Halloween is wearing whatever the shit you want. In the words of style pundit Aleister Crowley “Wear what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law”. And if you’re not going to take his advice today, when are you going to? And don’t shame anyone else for being too slutty pumpkin or not slutty pumpkin enough.

2. Watch Buffy
There are Halloween Buffy episodes. It should make sense. You could watch them for feminist Halloween. However the Halloween Buffy episodes are god awful. (Forgive me, it must be said.) So maybe watch Hush or something. Or those really scary ones where Buffy and Spike have sex.

Or, if you are me, watch Practical Magic, because it is excellent.

3. Bob For An Apple
Apple bobbing involves 2 challenges. (1) getting an apple out of a bowl of water using your mouth and (2) pretending you want an apple. Because any other day of the year you wouldn’t fucking bother getting an apple out of a bowl of other apples using your hands.

Apples were invented by women with the help of Satan. (This is confirmed in both The Bible and The Da Vinci Code which statically speaking = all the books.) And although they are really boring that was a side deal in getting out of the Garden of Eden. So bob for the apple. Do it for feminism.

There is almost certainly a cunnilingus joke about apple bobbing but it is utterly beneath me.

4. Trick or Treat
If you are trick or treating a lady the trick is obviously the patriarchy and the treat is the feminism.

If you are trick or treating a man the trick is feminism and the treat is ALSO feminism, because feminism liberates everyone. HOORAY.

5. Consider the Radical Notion that Women are People
Go on. It’s just once a year. (Don’t go too far. Remember Draculas and Frankensteins are NOT people.)

And finally, of course, don’t forget to do the mystical rite at midnight that all women do to make men’s lives horrible on purpose. Because YOLO.

Happy Feminist Halloween. Unless you have ever shaved any of your body hair ever in which case get out of my blog, you’re not a feminist.

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